Six Tips for Couples
What would happen if you were stranded on a desert island with your spouse for a year? It’s kind of been like that prior to the vaccine and our community opening up.
If your marriage has been shaky during the pandemic, you may want to go to couples therapy.
Some people are afraid if they go to couples therapy they will end in divorce.
Why do some marriages end in divorce after going to therapy? The truth is that many people wait too long before starting couples therapy and they may come in already done with the relationship. Both people in the couple need to be motivated to stay in the relationship. Sometimes people are emotionally divorced before they actually divorce.
Couples therapy is great as a prevention for problems and as a response when couples aren’t able to navigate across a divide with each other.
Therapy is really a place to hear each other and a place to learn some skills that you will use over and over in the course of your relationship to make your marriage stronger. Couples therapy can have a positive, lasting impact. But still, it takes effort.
Marriage is an investment. It’s like a bank account. You have to invest in the relationship or you will feel empty and depleted, and at risk of emotional bankruptcy.
Here are six tips that I use with many couples.
1- Hear your partner’s grievance and work towards resolution of the issue at hand. Rather than arguing or acting defensive, get on the same team and ask, “How can I help?”
2- Make time for fun with your partner. Try not to get so lost in “projects” together that you are too busy or exhausted to go out and play together. Couples that play together, stay together.
3- Own your feelings. Take care of yourself emotionally in the relationship. Buried feelings cause resentment. And resentments can pile up. All of us want our feelings understood and respected in our relationships.
4- Avoid avalanching when there is a problem. An avalanche is when you give your partner a list of grievances all at once. It’s like an avalanche. It can be too much at once. Pick one thing and try working through issues one at a time.
5- Listen. Are you doing all the talking? We all have short attention spans. Notice if you are going on and on and it is turning into a monologue. A monologue is not a dialogue. A dialogue invites the other person into the conversation.
6- Asking for what you want is different than making demands. Marriage can be a tricky place to figure out how to get what you want or need. It takes practice, timing, and making requests of your partner that are respectful rather than demands and expectations. Marriage can be loaded with expectations. It helps to discuss the expectations you have in your mind and see if you and your partner are able to have a set of agreements and understandings.
If your marriage is needing some attention, you may also find some helpful tips in books for couples. I highly recommend Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by marriage experts John and Julie Gottman. If you decide to go to couples therapy, be sure the person is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has at least 10 years of experience.