Six Tips for Couples from Marriage Therapy

 

Six Tips for Couples 

What would happen if you were stranded on a desert island with your spouse for a year? It’s kind of been like that prior to the vaccine and our community opening up. 

If your marriage has been shaky during the pandemic, you may want to go to couples therapy. 

Some people are afraid if they go to couples therapy they will end in divorce. 

Why do some marriages end in divorce after going to therapy? The truth is that many people wait too long before starting couples therapy and they may come in already done with the relationship. Both people in the couple need to be motivated to stay in the relationship. Sometimes people are emotionally divorced before they actually divorce.

Couples therapy is great as a prevention for problems and as a response when couples aren’t able to navigate across a divide with each other. 

Therapy is really a place to hear each other and a place to learn some skills that you will use over and over in the course of your relationship to make your marriage stronger. Couples therapy can have a positive, lasting impact. But still, it takes effort. 

Marriage is an investment. It’s like a bank account. You have to invest in the relationship or you will feel empty and depleted, and at risk of emotional bankruptcy. 

Here are six tips that I use with many couples.

1- Hear your partner’s grievance and work towards resolution of the issue at hand. Rather than arguing or acting defensive, get on the same team and ask, “How can I help?”

2- Make time for fun with your partner. Try not to get so lost in “projects” together that you are too busy or exhausted to go out and play together. Couples that play together, stay together.

3- Own your feelings. Take care of yourself emotionally in the relationship. Buried feelings cause resentment. And resentments can pile up. All of us want our feelings understood and respected in our relationships. 

4- Avoid avalanching when there is a problem. An avalanche is when you give your partner a list of grievances all at once. It’s like an avalanche. It can be too much at once. Pick one thing and try working through issues one at a time. 

5- Listen. Are you doing all the talking? We all have short attention spans. Notice if you are going on and on and it is turning into a monologue. A monologue is not a dialogue. A dialogue invites the other person into the conversation. 

6- Asking for what you want is different than making demands. Marriage can be a tricky place to figure out how to get what you want or need. It takes practice, timing, and making requests of your partner that are respectful rather than demands and expectations. Marriage can be loaded with expectations. It helps to discuss the expectations you have in your mind and see if you and your partner are able to have a set of agreements and understandings. 

If your marriage is needing some attention, you may also find some helpful tips in books for couples. I highly recommend Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by marriage experts John and Julie Gottman.  If you decide to go to couples therapy, be sure the person is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has at least 10 years of experience. 

Depression Recovery and Strategy

 
Are you depressed? 
Has anyone ever asked you that question? Before you answer, I’d like to ask you something else. What does depression look like for you? 
Some people have only one image of depression-and that is: you can’t get off the couch, you’re not getting dressed, mindlessly eating ice cream from a carton and you cry all the time.
But the reality is that depression looks different on each person.
Some people who are depressed go to work, take care of their kids, and go out for long walks. 
You can be depressed and be functioning. Depression can be numbness where you can’t feel anything, at all. Depression can be the negative voice in your head who tells you every idea you have is lousy, the future looks terrible, there’s no point in trying to make things better and nothing will ever change. 
I’ve met depression a lot in my line of work. Depression does not like going to therapy. Depression thinks it’s a waste of time. Depression doesn’t want to take medication. It won’t work. 
What I have found that works best with depression, is patience.  Be honest when speaking with depression. This therapy may not help you, but you try it and then decide. These medications may not work for you, but would you test them out and then give your opinion? Of course, not everyone who is depressed needs medication. It depends on how you are doing, how long you’ve been depressed and the severity of symptoms you are having. Medication could help.
If you are patient with depression and really listen to it, there are some important things depression is saying about your life. 
Depression is complicated and can be a combination of feelings such as: disappointment, frustration, anger, loss of connection, and emptiness that hurts.
The most important question for depression is, “What do you need?”
It can be an impossibly hard question to answer when you are depressed.
And the truth is everything is impossibly hard when you are depressed. Many people keep pushing through when they are depressed. Sometimes, taking off some of the responsibilities and resting is needed to take the pressure off. 
If depression has been recurring for you, or if it runs in your family, you have to create a strategy-it’s like having an emergency kit ready when you need it. You need a strategy to take care of yourself extremely well when you are suffering from depression. Those who work their self-care strategy and do everything to activate their support system, have some coping skills that help through this.
Here are three things that make depression worse: ignoring it, drinking alcohol (alcohol is a depressant), and not giving yourself a break. 
It’s always worthwhile to let your doctor runs some basic tests to be sure that your depression is not a physical issue, such as a thyroid issue. 
During this year and a half with COVID, there has been a significant increase in the numbers of people seeking counseling and feeling depressed and anxious. If you have been struggling, please reach out for support. When depression is ignored, it can get worse and then it takes longer to recover. 
Finding the right support for you is key. Take a holistic approach when it comes to recovering from depression. Look at your physical health, your diet, increase time you give to yourself for resting, walking, reading. Ask for recommendations for a counselor to sort through the feelings you are having and help you recover. Give yourself a break from some responsibilities. Try doing some art, listening to music, being out in nature. These things can be soothing. Connect to a friend or group. Depression can trick you into believing none of this will help-but that’s just the depression talking. All of this helps. 

The Soul Wound from COVID-19

The most helpful thing everyone can do right now is offer emotional support to others. Please look around you. No one should be left alone. Everyone needs a buddy to check in, to call, to go for walks, to say, “I care about you,” and ask, “How are you?”

I am deeply concerned about the moral injuries I am seeing as a result of how COVID-19 has been handled in the United States.

What is moral injury?

According to the Moral Injury Project at Syracuse University, “Moral injury is the damage done to one’s conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress ones own moral beliefs, values, or ethical codes of conduct.”

It is also described as an injury to your soul. We know from veterans of war that moral injuries have deep effects that take a long time to recover from. Moral injuries are devastating on the inside – and are often carried in silence – like a grenade inside it threatens the life of the person who is suffering.

Moral injuries are starting to appear in many people. The symptoms show as a feeling of betrayal, particularly from leaders. Other symptoms are a lack of trust, alienation, hopelessness, highly anxious, burnout, overwhelm, despair, and suicide.

When you are suffering from a moral injury, your pain can be aimed at yourself as shame, failure, and inability to help anyone. You may believe that what you are doing has harmed people. 

One of the most helpful things you can do right now is leave no one behind, no one alone, no one carrying the despair and fears from COVID-19 on their own.

Essential workers across all disciplines are dealing with issues of safety, trust, isolation, and fear. You can help by staying in touch with the people in your circle. Grow your circle. Stay checked in. Everyone needs more connection and support in these times. Please keep reaching out. When you ask someone how they are and they say, “fine”, ask again. Let them know you really can be present for them.  

If you are suffering from a moral injury, reach out for counseling help. Support is available. You are a valuable person who could not prevent what has happened. This is not your fault.

You deserve care and help. We’ve got you. Please don’t carry the burden of this alone.

Emotional Comfort for COVID19

I promised each week I would send some tips for getting through COVID19

This week is about supporting yourself and others emotionally.

Who can you be emotionally real with?

This is the time to take a closer look at your closest people. None of us can emotionally carry the weight of everything we are witnessing or experiencing by ourselves.

Now is the time to allow yourself to be emotionally honest with others.

You don’t have to pretend.

Authenticity helps.

 For those of you who are used to doing emotional support with others - in healthcare and human services, and education - you are not made of anything different than others. In fact, you may be feeling the weight of this and worn through.

If you are feeling worn down:

Notice and give yourself a break.

You are not superhuman. You don’t always have to be strong.

Feel what you are feeling.

Stay checked in with yourself and call someone - a colleague, a friend, or a family member. Be a listening post for each other. Take turns talking and listening. 

This is the only way through overwhelm. Everyone, including you, needs to have someone who can listen to what you are feeling.

You may be feeling helpless, sorrow, grief, and fear of what is next. 

We are all seeing things we have never seen before. You may be exhausted. You may be wired. Just notice what you are feeling. Keep taking small breaks - notice when you need some recovery time to breathe, close your eyes, step outside, write in a journal, talk to someone. Don’t keep it all in and try to carry this alone.

You may also be finding your moments of grace or gratitude. Gratitude does not erase the hard stuff. You may notice both.

Moments of grace, creating art, prayer, reading, stillness, your kids, your partner, your pets - whatever helps you get moments of grace. Music, poetry, and art feed the soul and are helpful during tough times.

Your emotions are fluid. Feelings shift from moment to moment, day to day.
It helps not to guess how you will feel, but to notice - how you do feel in this moment.

It is not permanent.

Grief

So much has changed so quickly. You had sudden losses. We are all in this together. Be kind to yourself and to others. Everyone is experiencing loss right now. The grief may be hurting your heart or your head or landing somewhere in your body. Try taking extra care with your body. It is carrying so much extra right now.

Be gentle with your body. You may notice it is hard to take showers, get dressed, wash your clothes, wash your bedding, stretch, take walks. Even though it is harder, be sure to do those small things. Be kind to your body. It is your home.

What gives you comfort?

No matter what we are walking through, witnessing, notice the very small things that give you comfort.

It may be hard to feel reassured right now. The virus is invisible and could come from anywhere.

You are not crazy if you feel scared. Feeling scared makes sense right now.

But when you are scared, do the things that help bring you some comfort.

Call a friend. Ask what they are doing for comfort.

Do the very simple things that are comforting. Look up at the sky. Read. Lay under a blanket. Rub your arms or legs. Say the comforting things you would say to a child. Write those words to yourself.

The days ahead may be harder than the ones we have just faced. We need to brace ourselves. Now is the time to circle in with your support. Find one person, one place where you can be a listener and be listened to. Truth talking helps.

Whatever you are experiencing, if your fear seems bigger at times, it is reasonable. Keep reminding yourself, this is a normal response to extraordinary circumstances.
If you need more support, call on people for help.

The only way we will get through this is together. We will get through this together.

Small Tips for you, families, and small business owners

Friends are calling and asking for some tips to share. Here are some tips for this week.

Focus on today.

Like you, much of my schedule has changed.

I am doing a morning routine, an afternoon routine, and an evening routine.

Having some structure is helpful. Even if it is only a structure for the day.

 Do a few things that repeat from one day to the next so your days feel like they have some continuity. Knit, walk, read, write, music, work, reach out, chore. These hold my day together.

Reduce time on social media time and reading the news. I have a brief daily check-in time to limit my exposure and protect my psyche. 

Keep track of each other.

Call family and friends. Voice is better than text. It is more sensory your feelings, tone, and care comes across with your voice.

If you have teenagers, it helps to have them read or watch the daily news and discuss what it means. It is an opportunity to build the habits of following the news and thinking about what they need to know.

Children and elderly family members also need a routine. Include them in making a daily schedule, discuss chores and ways they can help. My 88 year old mother in-law has taken charge of the dishwasher and folding clothes from the dryer. Her help is greatly appreciated. She is also a serious scrabble player! I'm dusting off the board games in my house. 

If you have children at home, you may find it easier to do some cooking ahead so that you are not starting every meal from scratch. It makes each week easier, and one less thing to think about each day.

Couples: Give your partner acknowledgment and gratitude. Notice who is managing the groceries and keeping track of what is needed. Notice who is trying to protect the family with hand washing reminders. Notice who is leading family meetings and trying to plan the days. Notice who is earning an income while working from home. Take time to appreciate all you are doing and all your partner is doing. Daily love and appreciation matters when everyone is stretched so thin. 

Small Business Owners: Many of you are caring for employees, keeping your business from drowning, and you are looking out for your families. Now is the time to give yourself some grace. None of this is in your control. It's ok to take some time to create your emergency strategy. You did not have had a plan in place for this. No one has. 

Pause. Create your strategy within the severe limits of what you have to work with right now. What people will remember is how you treated them. 

How you treat your employees is key. Caring leadership is what is needed now.

How you treat your customers will be remembered when this is over. I am watching some businesses soar by how well they are managing refunds while others are sinking themselves with the way they are treating customers. 

Take breaks. Stop and take care of yourself. You must replenish yourself each day by doing small things for yourself. A walk, read a novel, listen to your favorite music. Take a break from the enormous challenge. Notice what else is happening- this is my neighbor's tree in bloom. I wait all year to see it.

I will continue to share tips in this evolving situation.

Take good care of each other.

Is the Squirrel at Your Door?

When I opened my cabin-office in the woods, I hoped the healing energy of the trees would support my clients, offering comfort and peace. You can see the trees from the large windows  in my office and a French glass door. "The cabin is surrounded by a cathedral of trees" said one of my clients.

What I did not think about was how all the woodland animals who live in those trees would participate in counseling at my cabin.

Yesterday, I stood at the French door and watched a squirrel digging right outside the door. A client came in and I asked him to stand by the door with me. We watched the squirrel digging. It was fast digging with both paws. Quick breaks and then more digging.

I thought the squirrel was going to pop something in the hole.

No, the squirrel poked her head in and pulled out some food she had buried. She looked at us with the prize in her mouth and then ran off.

I was amazed by the squirrel's timing. 

I said to my client, "All the work you have been doing to unbury a part of yourself, and this squirrel came at your session, right up the door."

After my client left, I thought about the squirrel. Unburying a part of yourself is painful, deep digging work. It's painful because this may be a part we have missed in our lives.  Sometimes this part challenges who we think we are. Unburying asks us many questions that require reflection, digging, digesting.

All the while, we are on the way to being more whole. 

If you are unburying yourself these days, may the squirrel be with you.

Tips for Holding A Gathering

Here are some tips if you are holding a gathering for women to share their stories of sexual assault and abuse.

1- Think about the space for your gathering. 

Be sure it is quiet and protected from interruptions.

2-It is important to have an opening and closing that supports connection between those gathered. Remind people that it is important to do something physical after to help their bodies. 

3-It is important to have a list of resources of counselors who specialize in trauma. It will say this on the counseling page of a website- where someone describes their qualifications. This list is a referral list for gatherers who may need support after the event.

4- Let gatherers know they may feel shaken or have waves of emotion that night or the next day and next week.  Many are already feeling this prior to the gathering.  Tell them to really plan to do lots of extra selfcare that night or the next day. 

5-Define selfcare for gatherers. Not everyone knows how to do this. Give examples. I have 25 tips for mental health wellbeing on my website. You can download this and share it as a handout. Or share some other lists.

6-Think about how gatherers transition from one speaker to the next. Who will help move to the next person?

7- Please discuss flooding and have a way for someone to step back or step out if they need without feeling they are hurting others. You may want to have extra support for someone who becomes flooded. Flooding can happen when a person is listening to all the stories. 

Take good care. This matters. Thanks for all everyone is doing to hold these gatherings. Please plan to take good care of you too.